Wednesday. the only day when my bf has a day off from work and school. when i had a break from 11-2, he came at 1, actually on time unlike usual. he brought burrito and nachos for him from taco bell. when i asked what he brought for me he said, the hot sauce from taco bell. he made fun about my dress, saying it looks like my church dress. which indeed, i wore it to church twice. when i asked him if he wanted to drop me and pick me up from my only an hour class later, he made excuse that he needed to find my present for our 6th month anniversary online, he also insisted that he already brought me the hot sauce from taco bell. i know that in fact he just wants to play his games while watching greys anatomy season two in my apartment. after my class, we had plans to go to valley fair, cos i was lazy to drive , i texted him that i had a little cramp and if he would drive. he said okay.
once after i got home, he asked me how was my pain, caught in vulnerable state, i said " what pain" "your cramps" , cause i was pretending obviously i wasnt prepared for that. then i made up little stories bout my so called minor cramps.
later on he tickled me feverishly and cruel-heartedly because of that little lie.

we finally went to the mall, exchange his jeans, got me a dress for 7$ in pac sun. then went to MAC,he got me this gel eyeliner, lol. well its more that i asked him for it. later on we passed by clinique booth and i wanted to see the bonus time, but he kept pulling me, the sales girl noticed this that she said" well take the brochure and come back when your bf not with you"
this reminds me of when we went to target the previous month, i was really broke, but i wanted to check out the anna sui for target collection. and he pulled me away, i was resisting, until a lady said, "next time when you go to the hardwarr store, do the same to him, " that was funny for us.

later on we went t old navy cos he is balling in the financial area at this time and he likes to overindulge himself . i was having fun at the old navy cos this time in the year they always have like super sale, i was rummaging around old navy, too lazy i didnt find anything that i really wanted. my boyfriend nudged me with 3 black shirts, i think 2 of them are polos, when i told him lets go he insisted on my taking something, so i grabbed a Henley pink tanktop for 1.99

upon my request, we went to urban outfitters, well he warned me not to shop but i couldn't help myself when i saw the high waisted denim skirt i wanted was on sale for 20$, he kept arguing that i should not buy skirt cos winters coming, but i insisted that i could wear tights inside.
after deciding where to eat, we drove to trader joe's and picked up Angus burger, lava cake , and orange chicken frozen foods.
a lil bit about lava cake, we had this tradition of eating like fudge brownie or lava cake in out anniversary,

then we had this little argument how i wanted to return my tights to marshall for 10 $ and he said he wanted to see me in those. i gave up/.

the burgers turned out to be really good, the lava cake was better. he kept asking for more
too bad i had my stupid business ethics homework. we watched 50 first dates cos it was on.


another lil things that always made me laugh was our mickey stuffed animal that he always accussed me of beatign him and minnie up. i love the micjey so much, it was really cute, then somethimes steven woukld justtalk as mickey, saying"jane done beat me up. jane i want to live with joshine, jane i want minnie back" then out of my stress of my hw, i would just play along with it and saying " no jane is nice, but somehow the mickey got a british accent and when im supposed to play my role as jane, i somehow made a guy's voice
and he said mickey was vietnamese while i insisted its not made in vietnam, turned out it was indeed product of vietnam.

little things count,there was nothing special todaym, but i was reallly really happy to share so many little things to add up the big love of our relationship.

I
Love me Sweet, with all thou art,
Feeling, thinking, seeing;
Love me in the lightest part,
Love me in full being.

II
Love me with thine open youth
In its frank surrender;
With the vowing of thy mouth,
With its silence tender.

III
Love me with thine azure eyes,
Made for earnest grantings;
Taking colour from the skies,
Can Heaven's truth be wanting?

IV
Love me with their lids, that fall
Snow-like at first meeting;
Love me with thine heart, that all
Neighbours then see beating.

V
Love me with thine hand stretched out
Freely -- open-minded:
Love me with thy loitering foot, --
Hearing one behind it.

VI
Love me with thy voice, that turns
Sudden faint above me;
Love me with thy blush that burns
When I murmur 'Love me!'

VII
Love me with thy thinking soul,
Break it to love-sighing;
Love me with thy thoughts that roll
On through living -- dying.

VIII
Love me in thy gorgeous airs,
When the world has crowned thee;
Love me, kneeling at thy prayers,
With the angels round thee.

IX
Love me pure, as muses do,
Up the woodlands shady:
Love me gaily, fast and true,
As a winsome lady.

X
Through all hopes that keep us brave,
Farther off or nigher,
Love me for the house and grave,
And for something higher.

XI
Thus, if thou wilt prove me, Dear,
Woman's love no fable,
I will love thee -- half a year --
As a man is able.

there are always two sides of the story

just like the evil and angel within every mortal
every time i have to part from you,
without my sincere willingness
i heard these two arguments
intensely echoing inside my chest

the first one is to sulk
to be drawn in forlorn,
for i know in every onetenth of these seconds
you will not hold my arms anymore
tehrefore
why my sorrow can't start now
i furrowed my brow
i duck my head down
and start weeping silently
for the lost i have not encounter
and was in a delusional sorrow

causing me to say hurtful things
just to take revenge of you brief absent
a little tease become an irony
a little joke become sarcasm
a little twinge transforms to razor blade
just to deliberately create a wound in your heart

the other calmer, more positive voice,
he insisted
that we should treasure every seconds left
hold each other tighter
smile a little brighter
and blow a little whisper
of sweet and secured love
calming every hover
and let the lost be mourned the next seconds

for we are here now
and now is the present

but the seconds before
you departure
was the most torturing ones
it is hard to breath when i know
i had to let you go
the seconds killing me

i will be better once youa re actually gone
but when you are here
i feel like i want to do anything just to freeze you



and from these two sides of story
the one that blows heavier wind to the fire
is always the one i pull the trigger
ans you turned your heal
feeling angry

in my previous post, i try to apply the decipher of reflection of reality to my life.
and now the more i try, and the more life happens, im starting to contradict myself.
maybe what they meant by reflection there is a dream, and its too hard to decipher, or convert dreams to reality.
yea i think that is what they meant.
its hard to convert life to your speed.
its hard to convert your wish to become true
its hard to convert something you really need
into physical ressemblence of the accrued


so NO I CANT DECIPHER REFLECTIONS FROM REALITY
cos no matter how i tried , reality always wins
it always does.

it killed your dreams,
it vanished your wishes.

"What do you do
When your lifes a disaster
And you're moving faster
And it's getting harder to breathe

What do you say
To someone whose right but
You disagree
Even if it's the truth

You can't decipher reflections from reality
But neither can I"

Playradioplay's decihpher reflections from reality

this song was shuffled on my itunes, and the lyrics just caught me.
well it is exaggerating and super melodramatic if i describe my life now is a disaster like that song, but when we are not fine, dont we always feel melodramatic? like its the end of the world.
and the lyrics so true. everytime something bad happens, we feel as if the problems is a montague of nightmares that keep flashing. what made it worse is that nightmare didn't end when we wake up; it flashes more brightly as we open our eyes.

now im gonna start to use the word "decipher", it just sounds fancy, heavy.
it describes itself for me.
cant i decipher reflections from reality?
the answer is i can, i am very much able to do that.
i am very aware of the difference between reflection and reality
and yet, i still have this optimistic, yet naive belief that i can decipher it.

like i can make it work between my atheist boyfriend and the Catholicism of my own. he is a square and im a circle, were trying to fit them together.

fortunately, what we have is not a reflection, it is a reality.
so mathematically speaking, decipher reality from reality?
that seems much easier.

let's hope so

so this is just my first week back to san jose. despite of having new apartment, new school, and an old boyfriend waiting, this week is far worse from what i imagined. and i stumbled upon one issue that is very universally inevitable: money.

after i left my car for 2 months there, it has been acting up, my drivers seat door wont open, and i broke my tire (okay that one is entirely my fault,i hit a curb pretty hard)
so i had to spend money fixing those. fixing car in america is far from cheap, its just unbelievable, lucily i got 2 cheap places to fix those but still you know. the loss is not to be regained.

then after a summer of glimmering hopes that i would get paid $650 from a job that i did during winter quarter in deanza.. it turned out that i was missing a single important document, so i was facing a really horrible possibility of not getting paid. blahh so much for help of money when i really need it.

so far i got 2 major list of things that went wrong, and no matter how bad i know is it to just look at all the bad thigns happened to you.
maybe i oculd just let it out.

or next time when i read this again, i know that ive had worse days.

i hereby declare a pleasant week. starting from wednesday last week, the 5th and it ended exactly at november 12

the reasons considered are:
1. it's never too dull to meet and catch up with old friends, unexpectedly or expectedly.
2. it's my sister's 15th bday. something beside her height that is going up.
3. madagascar!!! it was extremely funny, hilarious, certainly 2 worthy hours of laughing.
4. MY MOM AND MY SISTER VISITED!! super YAY! although the activities of thai pepper, yogurt, quickly, and old navy happened repeatedly.
5. i got to sleep at the comfortable-king size bed in the guest's room. it made my nights. - still i shared it with my mom and sis.
6. i got awesome food, although i mentioned this already, food always counts twice the pleasure.
7. I fulfilled my major 2008 resolution. i got a california driver license. - for those who does not think of this as a big deal, well.. sue me!
MAJOR YAY!!
8. i got to wear my red tights. haha
9. i made a wish upon 11:11 twice, and surprisingly,i remember those wishes, and it came true!!!!
10. ooh i forgot this thing before. i saw isa and mitha again!!!!!! miss u guys, miss those summer-girly nights, haha.

then in a glance, it started fading until it was totally gone.
ended with an airport and a goodbye. the cliche

turns out im not an ice
turns out im always right
turns out im vulnerable
damn that word!

and i feel again, just like i want
damn!

could i just learn something
could i just not fail, like once or twice or three-ice-
gosh'
tell me how i got this far

and i know im not invincible, duh
and also invisible

im wrecker than ever
im so doomed

damn that beach
damn that car
damn saturday night
damn carried away

think of good ones
thanks for midterm(s)?
thanks for buses?
oka thanks for this ending week
thanks for jakarta
that is coming
thanks for breath
thanks for air
thanks for tears
thanks for wake up call
thanks for a splash
thanks for a hint

thanks for consciousness
thanks for hurting half-way

m life is stumbling upon the same stones
over and over again
about ranting when im locked
and bitching when im released
bout wanting to hurt, to be hurt
and about just not wanting

donkey donkey donkey
wish donkey knows how this feels
then they know a lot of people that are more stupid
fools
fools
fools

terribly, unquestionably, solidly patah hati
ill laugh at myself
why not

so typical

hate will get you everytime
always love..
wait until the finish line

i hate not knowing
i hate signals
i hate reading between the lines

and i hate to be hated
or to be loved

i hate chase
i hate games

i want fun
i want it

from vague, absurd until meticulous
and obedient or camaraderie,

the field, the trip, the fall
the winter, the stay, the roof
im just making stuff up, arent I

i hate waiting
i hate expecting, i hate
not getting what i want
but overflowed with what i dont want
isnt this life fair?
so they told me it'll come around
the time, the it

so im here
less talking more pretending
less tunes more masks
less hate
more???

i wish to find my full stop sign
my green light
i wish i do not look over my shoulder too much
or wait too long to make the right turn
i do not want a sudden stop in the middle
or a dangerous maneuver

and i promise i wont change lanes
unless it's necessary
i'm willing to make the u turn
just because i know it'll get me back where i started-with you

and i'll turn you wide crazily
cause u turned me sharp- right on the spot

and together we'll park parallely to the world
i'll hit a little curb with you
as long not too far away
i'll try to remember our hand signs
in case us did not work out

i'll find that one
who's gonna make me make my turns
my stops
and my maneuver

i'll get a license for that
for every steer i make